I'll cut your little heart out

'Cos you made me cry.



I feel very strongly about this, so fuck you for pointing out that it's just teenage bullshit (I'm talking to you, voice in the back of my mind).



I hate that I throw myself to heavily into things.
And so if I realise I don't want something it's too late and hurt people.

I hate how I get so enthralled.
So when I've lived and breathed something and it fails I have nowhere to go.

I hate that I never get into things at the right rate, or into the right things at all.

I hate when I express something I am proud of myself for and I cut myself down or let other people cut me down.

I hate that I can't see the good in myself. I hate that even when I feel most comfortable with myself it's because other people have made me feel validated - it doesn't come from personal achievements or maturity.

I wish there was a way to stop myself falling for every boy. I don't know why I do it but I can (always) become infatuated - almost obsessed sometimes - at the drop of a hat. I wish there was some kind of diagnosable condition for it so I could have some kind of wonder pill and make it stop.
Make myself rational. Able to put things into perspective. Stop completely rearranging my style, personality, views for whoever it is I fancy at the time.
It's not healthy for me on any level. School suffers, my friends suffer, and by the end of it I come out not sure what to do, be or even wear.

I hate how horrible I feel when I express this stuff to people, how selfish I feel, but then realise how selfish and cold I am on a daily basis.
I hate that I hate things.
I hate using the word hate.
I hate things I do, things I say.

I hate that I've become a callous, blunt, angry, intimidating person.
I never used to be like this.
I used to be easy to like. Giggly. Goofy.
I'm so much more. But who will notice if I'm not?
It's what I'm known for, I can't stop now.

In too deep.


What I hate the most is that this is so important to me but is blatantly angsty shit.


If I woke up tomorrow and went back to who I was four years ago - shy at first but then loud and goofy but also much nicer than I am now - would people think I was faking? Would they even notice or be stuck with 'Kat'?

I want Kitty back.