Heart beat.

My favourite song of all timely time (and tardy time) just started on iTunes shuffle.

I just stopped breathing.

So good.



Everyone, listen to music.
Please.

Everything we feel is due our hormones and chemicals sent from the brain.

Everything we think comes from a muscle.

Our entire personality is due to the makeup of our brain.


I love that.

I am sah indie right now.

CHOCOLATE I WANT TO EAT YOU

Sometimes I feel like I'd be a whole lot happier if I was just fat.




... Sometimes.

I love this.

I don't usually like soppy angsty stuff but I don't think this falls under either of those categories.

This year I made a decision to return to the friends who made me happy and loved, not the ones who made me feel happy and insecure.

My plan hasn't been fully realised yet but it's definitely been one of the best decisions I've ever made. I've done a lot of growing up lately.


Still a child though.




DEEPY DEEP DEEP.

More (a lot more) miscjpeg for you:
WOAAAAH DUUUUDE


'Whattah!'


Tee hee.

>:>

Ducks are just great.


Nawsies.
Enjoyed.

Nyaaaaaaaw.

Often like this:



A little bit like this:

I'm too indie for explanations.
FINI.

Day of Sun.

Sunday is my favourite day.
The end.


I really like being single, which is unusual.
I have a nasty cough.

Some of my favourite things about life.

1. Childhood friendships.
When you were little and you and your best friend wanted to be sisters. How silly you were! Clearly most sisters hate the shit out of each other for about 10 years in total over their lives. At least.

2. The way humans perceive time.
For some reason I love that even though two things can have occurred simultaneously but because of what we relate them to, one can feel like yesterday, the other ten years ago. For example, I had jaw surgery the exact time my last relationship ended ... but because I see them in such different lights in terms of who was involved, how I felt about them, the level of importance and my way of dealing with both they feel like hey happened at completely different times.

3. I have a general obsession with the human brain. I really love it.
I think it's the most interesting thing on the planet. The fact that so much information can be stored ... every single brain is different. And most of all, how little we know about it.
Your brain is responsible for every little thing you do, your personality, how you tackle problems (at school or life). If one little thing is missing or more acute, it makes you different to the person next to you.
Your brain is who you are. I love it.

4. Teenagehood.
I know it's difficult, and makes people unhappy and all that shit but seeing how people change is so fascinating - entire lives are molded by chance meetings, situations and events. I love it when you see people you haven't seen since you were 14 and in the space of years they've completely changed. I like that. I know other people think it's bad, that they're trying to be something they're not - of course they are! Who the hell knows who they are in their teen years? They can't be something they are if they can't even grasp what that might be.
Teenage years are all trial and error. You can't do that any other time.

There you go.
Now you.

I'll cut your little heart out

'Cos you made me cry.



I feel very strongly about this, so fuck you for pointing out that it's just teenage bullshit (I'm talking to you, voice in the back of my mind).



I hate that I throw myself to heavily into things.
And so if I realise I don't want something it's too late and hurt people.

I hate how I get so enthralled.
So when I've lived and breathed something and it fails I have nowhere to go.

I hate that I never get into things at the right rate, or into the right things at all.

I hate when I express something I am proud of myself for and I cut myself down or let other people cut me down.

I hate that I can't see the good in myself. I hate that even when I feel most comfortable with myself it's because other people have made me feel validated - it doesn't come from personal achievements or maturity.

I wish there was a way to stop myself falling for every boy. I don't know why I do it but I can (always) become infatuated - almost obsessed sometimes - at the drop of a hat. I wish there was some kind of diagnosable condition for it so I could have some kind of wonder pill and make it stop.
Make myself rational. Able to put things into perspective. Stop completely rearranging my style, personality, views for whoever it is I fancy at the time.
It's not healthy for me on any level. School suffers, my friends suffer, and by the end of it I come out not sure what to do, be or even wear.

I hate how horrible I feel when I express this stuff to people, how selfish I feel, but then realise how selfish and cold I am on a daily basis.
I hate that I hate things.
I hate using the word hate.
I hate things I do, things I say.

I hate that I've become a callous, blunt, angry, intimidating person.
I never used to be like this.
I used to be easy to like. Giggly. Goofy.
I'm so much more. But who will notice if I'm not?
It's what I'm known for, I can't stop now.

In too deep.


What I hate the most is that this is so important to me but is blatantly angsty shit.


If I woke up tomorrow and went back to who I was four years ago - shy at first but then loud and goofy but also much nicer than I am now - would people think I was faking? Would they even notice or be stuck with 'Kat'?

I want Kitty back.

If you have a Goddamn conscience.

I know I usually try to hold back from all my preachings but I don't know how someone can respect themselves if they don't help these causes.
http://www.alv.org.au/

Even if you just vote for Oscar's law (easy and quick, makes you feel like a good person), do something.

Yes there's stuff on there that is disgusting and confronting that you want to pretend is not happening. But get some balls.

Ground hog YEAR.

I kind of wish I had a ground hog year.

I could do things purely for shits and gigs. Not a single real consequence - everything would reset and start again at Jan 1st that same year.
There are so many things I would do.
Spend some years being a different person - quiet, loud, brutally honest, anorexic (shits and gigs, people), high, obese, a whore, just to name a few.
I'd do a lot.

Heroin, get pregnant, assassinate someone.

Sure there'd be years of absolute depression due to the repetitiveness and the going nowhere but the whole idea of the ground hog magic is when you get it (supposedly) exactly right it all ends. So basically I could fuck around until I was ready to have The Year and get on with life.

Even the things I could do with just VCE thrill me! I could go to so many different school, spend five, ten, fifteen years studying and get a scholarship to any school I wanted.

I could have years of pure maths/science, pure bludge subjects, ALL LANGUAGES.
(That one's my favourite.)

I could do international exchanges, join a radical movement group, work for a year.

There are so many people I'd hang out with. Mormons. I'd hang out with mormons for a year!!
I'd spend a year on every religion. Even scientology. Especially scientology.
I'd spend a whole year clubbing.
I'd spend a whole year saying exactly how I felt to everyone/anyone.
I'd drop out.
I'd become a tradie.
I'd set up my own business.
I would devote a year to charity.

So much!

I could learn every instrument.
I could get famous.
I could know what it was like to die.

I'd spend a year on each person I know, getting to know them and everything about them. Could get awkward in years after that when I know too much about everyone.

I could do bad things.
I could be a bully.
I could be a home wrecker.
I could move out of home.
I could become the worst influence on someone.


I kind of wish I had a ground hog year.


I'm also eating a pain au chocolat. Yum.

Oh i completely forgot

AND I FORGOT THIS.
This one is good.
Very old but good.

I need to rant about my Saturday night.

I went to Matchstick's 18th - it was awesome. Average in terms of her usual parties but still excellent on my scale.
There's are the things that made me giddy:
1. People who didn't judge. In the 'we really don't give a flying fuck and will never say anything about what you're wearing unless you look hot. In that case I will repeatedly tell you, even if I've never met you'.
Comments were rare. Except for towards me but purely because I was the 'so that's how she turned out' kid.
But there were no losers there either.

2. I danced.
For.
Hours.

Not the 'dance gaily while singing along with your bestest buds to your favourite songs'. That kind gets old.
This kind of dancing was in a small room full of people I mostly either didn't know or had only ever facebook-stalked. The music was good but you were so lost in it you didn't care. I danced with my eyes closed for at least an hour and a half. I have about fifty unexplained bruises from boys bashing around that I didn't give a shit about then. No one cared if you didn't dance sexily - all dancing was sexy.
Even when no one knew the song, all these people (there was one other girl) would yell and jump along.
Excellence.
I think I danced with 453743 boys, didn't hook any - I think I'm in an anti hook mind frame because of a couple of my friends' obsession with it.

3. Everyone was interested.
The conversation wasn't polite. It was people talking because they a) wanted to talk or b) wanted to converse with you. There was no 'How aaaaaare you?' from someone you knew you hated. If someone didn't like you they just didn't talk to you. If someone was having a rant about their life you could walk away while they were mid-sentence and no one would give a shit.

4. No one reacted to anything. Near the end of the night a kid came into a room, punched holes in the door and walked out and no one did anything.
We all just sat there trying to figure out if we had just made that up in our minds or if it had actually happened.
Eventually I got up but everyone else continued sitting and staring and saying nothing, like they were before.

5. The whole fucking thing wasn't about girls looking hot or wearing anything they wouldn't wear to school or trying to impress boys in that stupid heels, tits and legs way. Everyone was fucking stunning in their own amazing way that I wish everyone was.

6. I could walk home. I walked home.
The party wasn't in fucking woop woop on the Southside - it was a Northside party a 15 minute walk from my house.
The Northside, where I swear on my life the people and places are cooler. Overall. Don't fucking shoot me, it's true.

8. I got asked so many times if I missed it.
My honest answer?
Fuck yes.

9. Also when I was walking home at 3 am there was a lone hippy guy who went past me on a scooter. It was entertaining.

I've been doing a lot of thinking, and the thing is, I love you.

"I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out.
I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich.
I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts.
I love that after I spend the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes.
And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night.
And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve.
I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."



I AM A SUCKER.

Rye was le fun.
Lots of drinking.
Many bruises from stacks ons and punching.
Skin broke out in a really fucked up way.
The boys are fun.